Change In Plans

I started this blog thinking it would solely be the story of my journey through being a surrogate for Josh and Lori. I never in a million years that I would be sitting here, almost a year after first making contact about it all with them, pregnant with another family's baby. It feels like it's turned into a really long journey but it's only been about 10 months which in the world of fertility really is a short amount of time. When we found out just 5 months ago that our second attempt at IVF had failed at giving Lori a baby I knew in my heart I still wanted to be a carrier I just never anticipated the doors would open so quickly and with such ferocity.

When we had made the decision to be a carrier for Josh and Lori I was encouraged to find a support group of other carriers that I could lean on through the process. In December, I was contacted by Whitney Morgan. She introduced herself as the owner of Miracles in the Making which is a full-service Christian-based surrogacy agency. She wanted to meet with me and see if I would fit in well with a few other surrogates who met regularly as a support network. We met at Starbucks on a Monday night in December and immediately hit it off. I told her during that meeting that surrogacy was something I see being a part of my life for several years and would love to be represented by an agency if we ever decided to try again with another couple.

Over the following months I experienced the highs and lows of surrogacy and through it all felt incredible strength from other women who had gone through the same journey. Meeting Whitney and the other women was definitely something only Jesus could have facilitated. When I found out in May that our attempts at building a family for Josh and Lori were over I knew in my heart I still wanted to be a surrogate. Whitney had been a part of every little step along the way so she knew I was still interested but also knew I may need some time to build up the courage to try again for someone else.

Paul and I talked and decided that we felt it was best to at least fill out the application with her agency and submit it with the knowledge that she did not have a waiting list of parents needing surrogates so a match wasn't guaranteed in any amount of time. A few weeks went by and Paul and I had not yet finished our application. In early July Whitney sent me a message she had a potential couple for us and if we wanted to be considered in the pool of surrogate profiles to send in our application as soon as we could. What started as a pool of three surrogates quickly dwindled down to just my profile as the other two surrogates were not quite ready to start the medical process. She sent my profile to the intended parents and in turn I received their profile to review and pray over. On paper it looked like a perfect match. Their faith in Christ was very evident in their profile and their concern for the well being of their surrogate made my heart smile. They already had biological children of their own so I knew that our chances of healthy embryos were pretty good. The part that made me the most excited though was that they only lived a few miles from Paul and I. A local Christian couple looking for a surrogate was really only divine intervention. That just doesn't happen in the surrogacy world. They also were very pro-life in the profile and would not consider selective reduction which was very important to me (again, something not very common in the surrogacy world.)

After both sides decided to proceed with a phone interview photographs were swapped via email. That's when the Lord really made His presence known. I received M and K's family photograph but did not recognize them. They received my photograph and K made a connection. She thought my application sounded familiar but when she saw my photograph she knew she knew me. (My stomach is flipping all around as I'm typing this. It still blows me away.) You may remember this post...http://theirbabyinmybelly.blogspot.com/2014/03/oceans.html. Well, K was in the audience that day!!!! They have an incredible story to tell of their journey to surrogacy but the decision to pursue surrogacy was made in her heart the day she listened to a woman give her testimony at a MOPS meeting. That woman was me! Only the Lord knew that the woman giving her testimony would be the woman who would carry her baby for her.

When K made the connection, M immediately told Whitney and Whitney called me crying. Then I started crying! We set an appointment for a phone interview. The interview went fantastically and at the end we all decided to officially contract with each other.

I set an appointment with the fertility clinic in Boise to begin the medical process. Every appointment was textbook. My lining thickened up a week earlier then we needed which was fantastic. My body did not have any adverse reactions to the injections. Even the injections were easier. Despite my anxiety my body was doing exactly what it was supposed to be doing. M and K had decided that ethically they were only comfortable with fresh transfers. Usually with surrogacy IVF (and excuse my way dumbed down version) the babies are made in a dish then frozen once the geneticist determines they could survive thawing. Some women will have a dozen or more babies frozen. M and K were not comfortable with this. They didn't want "snowflake babies." Babies that are kept frozen and stored, adopted out, donated to research, or disposed of. They wanted the babies that were made each cycle to be given the best chance possible.

Baby making day arrived and three babies survived the first few days. On the day of transfer I was informed that there were still three babies but that one did not look like it would grow past the day. M and K decided to transfer the two strongest embryos and then wait to see if the third would continue growing. He did not. Two babies were transferred and I was put on two days of glorious bed rest. Paul was incredible with the kids. I slept a ton and just tried to stay as comfortable as possible as the babies made their nest. It can be a crampy feeling and unfortunately there isn't a whole lot that you can do to ease the discomfort. It's a good discomfort though. Knowing the babies are making a little home. 7 days post transfer I had a blood draw done and then again on day 9 to see if the babies were growing. My HCG levels were doubling at a 24 hour rate which was absolutely incredible!!! On day 20 my numbers were past 4,000 so were able to rest in knowing I was officially pregnant. The first heart beat ultrasound though would confirm whether or not there was one baby or two.

The three embryos

That ultrasound was today. I was a little nervous. K went to the clinic with me. We both said we were prepared for one baby but not prepared for two or for a negative ultrasound result. The appointment was very fast and as soon as the ultrasound popped up on the screen we instantly knew I was pregnant with one perfectly healthy 7 week, 4 day old baby. Baby C is growing perfectly. The heartbeat was strong. He looks like a little grain of rice right now. He is feeding off of the yolk sac in the ultrasound photo. No placenta yet. We have an ultrasound in two more weeks and by then he should be safely nourishing off of my placenta. This is all so incredible. It's remarkable to see life actually taking place. Not many women have the honor of watching a child grow from day 1. I have pictures of it all. I'm still in awe. Every time K and I talk we just pour words of love on each other for the miracle that is taking place.

7 weeks 4 days

The baby has definitely already taken over my body. I'm functioning in a state of complete exhaustion, peeing frequently, I am hungry constantly, and had a few mornings of queasiness. All wonderful signs though that this pregnancy is going to be completely healthy.

The end of the road?

When I started this blog I never thought in a million years that we would never hold those sweet babies. We were told from the beginning that if we transferred two embryos then Josh and Lori would end up with twins. But here we are now having once again transferred two more babies and found out on Thursday morning that the babies never finished the implantation process.

I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.

The Story...

On April 30, I went in for another scan of my uterus to see if my lining had thickened up any more from the 6.8 we had read a couple of weeks prior. We were really hoping for double digits but our doctor said she would be happy with a 9. The reading came back at 7.2. Once again, we felt discouraged but our doctor was very optimistic that if we waited for a May 12 transfer my lining would be right where it needed to be for the babies. So Lori booked our plane tickets, reserved the hotel, and made plans for a May 12 transfer at 2pm.

At this point I also began the progesterone shots. I had heard horror stories from women about these shots so I prepared myself for the worse. They were right. These shots were terrible. It is medication once again based in oil. When the injection is given the medicine just sits in one spot and is extremely slow to absorb into the muscle. I found that massaging the injection site with an incredible amount of pressure and then sitting on a heating pad on high for an hour helped spread the medicine. The first couple of days it hurt so bad to walk, sit, and lie down. I finally asked for prayer that specifically they would quit hurting and the Lord answered with a resounding "YES"! The next morning I woke up and all of the discomfort was gone. Once again a small victory.

Finally the morning of May 12 arrived and Lori and I flew out at 9:30am. We arrived in California at 10:30 and spent some time shopping, driving, and eating. Our appointment was scheduled for 2 so starting at 12:30 I began drinking LOTS of water. At 1:15 I took a valium prescribed by our doctor to help myself relax. Our doctor was surprised and quite delighted to see that Lori had come with me. The transfer went as perfectly as the first time. The beautiful little "sparkles" actually made the doctor and her nurse gasp as the shot into place. Everything went perfectly! I spent the next 48 hours on strict bed rest. Lori and I dreamed about how she could share the pregnancy announcement, we shared baby shower ideas, newborn picture ideas, how we hoped the labor and delivery would go... On day three we went on a very relaxing and much needed walk with our cousin who lives in San Francisco and enjoyed dinner al fresco. Perfect week!

We flew home Thursday morning and had committed to not taking a home pregnancy test (HPT) until Sunday morning. But come Friday neither of us could wait. Our first HPT came back negative Friday afternoon. It was still extremely early for my HcG levels to be high enough to detect a pregnancy. On the morning of  Monday, May 19 I went in for my first beta test. My HcG came back at a 6 (7dp5dt). I went back in for another beta test on the morning of Tuesday, May 20 and my HcG came back at a 14!!! We were finally confident we had a positive pregnancy. On the evening of Tuesday, May 20 (7dp5dt) we finally got a positive line!!! Josh and Lori were here for that test and were so ecstatic.

It's barely there but definitely a positive line!!!

Wednesday morning I took a digital test and it came back "Not Pregnant." Thursday morning I took a HPT and the line was starting to fade. I went in for another beta Thursday morning and received the heartbreaking email that our numbers had dropped to 9. I was at a MOPS meeting when I got the news and had to leave early because I was struggling to hold it together. I packed up my two kiddos and drove home. The tears were trying to burst but I couldn't let them. I needed to focus on taking care of my children and could find time to process everything later. I briefly texted Lori and told her that I loved her and would talk to her later in the weekend. Knowing how we felt the first time I thought a couple days to process would be good. I spent most of the day just staying busy and focusing on my littles. Then Paul walked in the door after work and I lost it. Completely fell apart. Sobbing uncontrollably to the point I was dry heaving. "Why Lord? Why?" I questioned my body's ability to carry a baby but was quickly affirmed by my surrogate friends that in a surrogacy case it is always a problem with the embryos. But that brought me little comfort. Those embryos were so perfect! Barely given a chance at life. 
Several people have asked me what's next for Josh and Lori. I'm not really sure. As far as surrogacy right now that is put on a very strong and potentially long hault. There are no more embryos to transfer so things would once again be quite expensive.
Lori and I have talked a little bit over the last few days and are both still in shock and just trying to stay busy. The grief hits me in waves. I know the next couple of weeks are going to be a hormonal nightmare as my body detoxes all of the medication. I'm a mess. My heart physically hurts, at moments I can barely catch my breath. I go from moments of joy with my family to complete lack of self control and raise my voice or attack a bush in my backyard. I don't really know where to let myself go from here. I'm just praying that the Lord's plan and purpose in all of this would continue forward with clarity.

I'm going to print lots of scripture to keep on hand when the grief overtakes me. Some of my favorites...


"Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord had heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer:" Psalm 6:2-4, 6-9

"When calamity comes, the wicked are brought down, but even in death the righteous seek refuge in God." Proverbs 14:32

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

"I don't want this pregnancy to be about me. I want it to highlight the beautiful maternal fire burning inside my best friend."

I've been a little emotional today. I can feel myself starting to kind of go inside myself as we get closer to round number 2. We have another ultrasound scheduled for this Wednesday, April 30 to see if my lining is where it should be for another transfer. So much is running through my mind when I think about all of the possibilities and I find myself getting scared and anxious. So today I've felt scared, anxious, and grateful all at the same time. Obviously, the scared and anxious emotions are easy for everyone to understand seeing as how we've been through this once before without a positive pregnancy test. The feeling of gratefulness though I think I need to write down.


Today I am feeling so very grateful that Lori has chosen me to be the one to take care of her baby for the first 9 months. It's an honor folks. A privilege and an overwhelming honor that she would allow me to do this for her. When I tell people about this journey the majority of the responses include "What a gift you are giving them." I understand what they mean and I don't want to minimize at all the part that I am playing in all of this but from my side of things it feels a bit different. Yes, I am definitely giving her something wonderful but womb rental isn't really that glamorous. No, she has given me something so much greater. She has given me her trust. She has seen a lot of heartache and struggles and yet she has come through all of it with hope and excitement at where her life is still going. She's the one with the real gift to give. A story that I pray she will be able to share someday.


This, sweet baby. This is the reason I am doing this. This who I am doing this for. Your mother...

Lining Drama Part 2

Lori and I had our first lining check appointment today for our second IVF transfer. We were hoping for a read of 10 but received a measurement of 6.8. This is not bad news just news that we need to wait a little longer. The good news though is that when I was taking Estradiol orally last time around I had been on it over 8 weeks and was still only getting a read of 6.5-7.5. This time I have been on the injections for three weeks and had a measurement of 6.8! Things are progressing much faster this time around! Now we wait for a call from Dr. Aimee to see what we should do next. We will definitely be waiting until at least May for the next transfer.

The inside of my uterus!! [P.S. No baby yet :)]

Round 2

On March 20, 2014 Lori and I went in for our first beta test to determine whether or not she was going to be expecting a baby in December. We found out that afternoon that we were not expecting. What followed for me over the next few days was a crazy amount of grieving. I cried a lot. Mostly in the privacy of my bathroom where my two children and husband couldn't see. My husband was amazing and allowed me to go through the grief cycle in private but made sure to frequently touch base over those couple of days with lots of hugs and rest. Lori and I really didn't feel like talking with each other or really anybody that weekend. We sent a few texts back and forth just trying to coordinate a time for a good conversation but that conversation didn't happen until Sunday. Both of us were just so emotionally exhausted that Sunday was really the first day either of us could process what to do next.

Saturday night, March 22, Lori had sent me a text but I didn't receive it until the following morning after church due to my chronically dead phone. Here's how the conversation for round #2 started....

Immediately my phone rang :) (Quick note, my husband really is that awesome!!!!) Lori and I talked about if we were really sure we didn't want compensation for the pregnancy and I said absolutely yes. If that's all it took for them to try again then the money wasn't worth it. IVF is soooo expensive. Most people who choose to go this route to build a family have the money to pay for it. We're talking $20,000+ to do IVF and that doesn't include if you need to use a surrogate or if you attempt a transfer more then once. And for all of us this decision was made fairly quickly so there were not years, or even months to save up for it. The way things have played out with the egg donor and my personal calendar has caused things to move extremely fast. So every little bit we can all save to make this cheaper is huge. This is definitely a team effort :)

She said she would need to verify with Josh but that if we were really sure we wanted to offer this for free then they could come up with the money it would take to pay all of the travel expenses and fees associated with thawing and transferring the embryo. All of this was decided and confirmed by Sunday evening. The doctor was emailed that next morning and within just a couple of hours I started to bleed. 

Even though I was so extremely excited to try this again the bleeding got two me. This was my body's final rejection of the two precious babies we had transferred just a couple of weeks earlier. It's such a strange thing going through all of this. I have pictures of the two babies that we transferred and although they didn't have little faces yet or anything to resemble an infant I still see them in my mind and tear up when I think of them. 

As soon as I started bleeding we knew we needed to act fast to get me the medication needed for round two. By Tuesday afternoon I had the meds in hand. This time we have decided to go the delestrogen injection route. My body did not respond as well as we wanted to the Estradiol tablets so now I'm taking Estradiol Valerate Injection through my lower hip every three nights. I've heard horror stories from other women who have gone through the shots. They can be painful and cause knots under your skin because the medication is injected with oil. So far I've had zero side effects aside from a little soreness just after receiving a shot. The injections are intramuscular so they feel like a flu shot. Same kind of muscle ache too afterward. Paul bought me a heating pad though and I really believe that's what has helped me not have any pain afterward. The heat from the heating pad helps the oil melt into my muscle and not stay in one place. I've been so blessed that I have not needed to give myself an injection. I have a friend who is a pharmacist so she has given me several, a cousin who is a paramedic so she has done one, my hubby Paul has done one, and Lori has rescued me a couple of times and given me two. Also, shout out to all of the women who have been so encouraging through this process. Each of them have also gone through the shots and have been my emotional sisters through all of this. You know who you are :)

The pink needle on the right is for drawing up the medication. The grey needle on the left is for the actual injection.

The needle we stick in my tushy is almost the length of my pinky finger. The needle is 1 1/2" long but is only inserted 1". (Pharmacy accidentally sent me the wrong length)

 Paul's cousin Lindsay (the paramedic) giving an injection at her birthday party.

Lori came over late last night so poor Paul didn't have to do it. That look of excitement on her face was really more a look of "I'm so sorry so I'm going to smile through it to help ease the pain!"

My first appointment to check my lining is scheduled for this Wednesday, April 16 at 9:00 am. Prayers would be greatly appreciated! We are hoping for a nice thick squishy uterus. To best optimize the chances of implantation, studies have shown that the endometrial thickness should be 6 mm or more. Best implantation rates in in vitro fertilization have been shown to be with lining thickness of 10 mm or more but there are many studies to show that implantation can occur with endometrial thickness as low as 5mm - just not as easily. The week prior to our transfer my lining was at 8 mm. We are assuming it was 9 mm at transfer but do not know for sure. We would really like a 10 mm read this week!!! I've been taking all of the shots regularly and am drinking two cups of organic raspberry leaf tea which some of my surro friends swear by. 

Eeeek....Going Public...

J & L went public today with our surrogacy journey. When they first told me they wanted to I was totally for it. And still am. But I've got to say that I feel way more pressure now. Now the whole world (or at least our little corner) is rooting for us and hoping that a beautiful baby will be born shortly. I know by following all of Dr. A's directions the odds are very much in our favor but I sure can't help but wondering if I'm doing everything I possibly can to make this happen as well. Every time I go for a brownie or don't drink enough water I wonder if that will make a difference. Every cup of coffee and squirt of the hairspray bottle makes me wonder if I'm dirtying my uterus. Oi vei I could question things all day long....

Wonderings

Lori went with me for the first beta test the morning of March 20. We kind of hoped they would be able to tell us right then what the levels were but weren't surprised when they said it would take a couple of hours. On top of that their machine was broken so it wouldn't be until late in the day that we would hear anything. March 20 was 8 days post transfer and all of our home pregnancy tests had been negative. I had taken 10 of them. At this point things were not looking good but our doctor still wanted a beta test done just to be sure. I had my blood drawn, we drove home to pick up the kids and I went straight to my MOPS meeting to give my devotion. I barely made it through the devotion but it was so good to just be emotional in front of my closest friends. Knowing they were loving on me was good therapy.

After the meeting I headed home and stayed glued to my phone all day. Finally I received the phone call. Dr A said that my beta level came in at a 7. Technically I was pregnant but that it would not be a healthy pregnancy and to not be too hopeful that the numbers would grow. A little lesson on beta levels....this early on in a pregnancy (3 weeks 5 days) a healthy pregnancy would get a read of 25 or higher. You would be considered not pregnant with anything 5 or less and be in the limbo area if your beta is 6-24. I was at a 7 folks. In other words, at some point one or both of the embryos had implanted and I was really pregnant. But then they let go. We don't know when and we don't know why. There was absolutely nothing I did on my part to cause this and our doctor made sure to reassure me several times that it was nothing I did. And believe me I still wonder sometimes. I was not surprised by the result but still extremely disappointed because I had still been holding out hope that we were expecting. I say disappointed because at that moment that's all I could feel. It takes me a little time for news to truly sink in and by that night I was a mess. Lori and I talked briefly but just that she and Josh needed a couple days to really think things through and I needed a few days just to cry. I cried a lot. I still tear up even now thinking about the two little lives we lost. 

That night I was able to spend the evening with some of my closest girlfriends and share in detail our story. Up until then things had really been pretty quiet. But now I was able to really share our story and that though we had told everyone we were only transferring one embryo we had actually transferred two. We were trying for twins. Josh and Lori wanted to surprise everyone in the delivery room with two beautiful babies. 

I'm still confused as to whether or not we call this a miscarriage or a failed IVF attempt? I really don't know. IVF attempt makes it sound like they weren't real people but miscarriage seems a little too devastating for what I'm feeling now. Most women wouldn't feel just a little bit sad only one week after a miscarriage. I think for the rest of my life I will wonder. Wonder if I did something wrong. Wonder if it would have been twins. Wonder how big my belly would be right now. So many wonderings. 

Oceans

Lori, so close to the ocean

Several months ago I volunteered to give the devotional for my MOPS group. MOPS has been my lifeline as a young mommy of two. Google it! Anyway...at the time I said yes I didn't know that the devotion would end up falling on the morning we would take our first BETA test (the official blood test to find out if we were pregnant after the transfer). I kept putting off writing my message and then realized the scheduling "problem." I needed to write a devotion not knowing if I would be pregnant or not. Should I make it funny and completely not related to my current journey? Should I keep it strictly to scripture and just ignore adding any personal anecdotes?  The week leading up to the devotion was rough because I had had several negative pregnancy tests and knew in my heart things were not looking good on the baby front. The test was on a Thursday morning. Tuesday evening I couldn't control the crying (perhaps the hormones or just the exhaustion of the week before). Hubby and I went to bed at 9:30 and I cried softly until he fell asleep and I could hear him snoring. I snuck downstairs knowing that it was time to write something. Feeling it was time to write something. Here's what poured out....

Matthew 14:22-33

Jesus Walks on the Water

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
 
Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
 
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Me standing on the ocean shore in San Francisco. 36 hours post-transfer #1.

At the moment of penning this, I am exactly 36 hours and 15 minutes away from hearing news that will forever change my life. At the moment I will be reading this to you I will already know what that news is. Ladies, I am scared. I am scared that the Lord has brought me to waters too deep for me to swim in but that I also lack the confidence to walk on top of them. This role of motherhood is one that takes incredible courage and strength yet at this moment I feel completely weak in the hands of my Savior. Sure, I have moments, days, even weeks where I feel strong and courageous and completely equipped to navigate the life God put me in. But right now is not one of them. My stomach turns when I see the hurt and uncertainty in the lives of the women in this group. My loves, so many of you have gone through so much as mothers and wives. More then I ever thought the Lord would put on us. But then I think that He never promised us that there wouldn't be hurt. Or disappointment. Or anxiety. Or loss so gut wrenching that we sometimes struggle to breathe. No, He only promised us that He would hold us. That He would stretch out His hand if we asked and hold our feet on top of the water. And if we start to doubt and begin to fear, then He will pull us up and hold us again. I have wrestled with what words to give you. Should they be words of encouragement, words filled with humor, words straight from scripture. The words are not mine to give. The words come from Him alone. The One who chose us to take on this world. The One who has promised us an eternity of bliss and love if we just allow Him to hold us. The Lord loves on me frequently through music. My husband was blasting a song from his office a few weeks ago and at the time I didn't know that those words would be literally shouted from my mouth today as I cried out to God asking for His encouragement only to hear Him say that He called me out onto these waters. He will guide me, or hold me, or just sit there next to me when no one else can.


Play "Oceans" by Hillsong United.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPq3wAqLvKI

It's Go Time!!!

Hubby and I left our kiddos with J and L for the three days that we would be in California for the transfer. We took off on a Tuesday evening. Our transfer appointment was scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. First thing we did when we landed in California was find an In N' Out. Idaho doesn't have such fine fast food. Wednesday morning we enjoyed an amazing breakfast at a restaurant we found on Yelp then spent a bunch of money at an incredible outlet mall.

In N' Out

Flying Toward the Ocean

I really wasn't nervous for our transfer. The other surro moms I had talked to said it was really fast and completely pain free. We arrived at the office at 1:15 for our 1:30 appointment. Oh, I left out taking the vallium. I was prescribed one vallium to take prior to transfer just to calm me down and make sure I was totally relaxed for the transfer. Pretty uneventful and really just made me feel like I'd had half a glass of wine. (Which I had been missing!!!!) We were told by the nurse that they were running a few minutes behind because the woman who had the transfer scheduled right before us had emptied her bladder (something you're not supposed to do just before a transfer). They were waiting for her to "fill back up" and then it would be our turn. We walked back at 1:45.

Our amazing doctor met us in the procedure room where beautiful spa music was playing. All it was missing was someone to give a hand massage while I laid there! She went through what to expect and had me undress from the waist down then cover up with a nice warm blanket. The entire process of the actual transfer itself is quite systematic and official. I was spread open and while Dr. A held me open a nurse pressed on my abdomen with an ultrasound wand so they could see exactly where the catheter was for the babies to pass through. There was a knock on the back door and a gentleman walked in. He asked for my name and asked me to confirm we were transferring two embryos. He then walked out and shut the door. 30 seconds later he came back in with a super long tube attached to a syringe. He handed the babies off to the Dr and stepped out. Dr A immediately placed the tube inside my uterus and released the babies into their new home. We were able to watch on a monitor them go in. Really you can't see anything but the air bubbles from the solution the babies are in in the syringe. Dr A said it went perfectly and removed the tube. She knocked on the door and the gentleman came back in. He took the syringe from her and went back out to double check that the babies did in fact leave the tube. We were given the all clear! Dr A told me to stay comfy and rest on my back for 5 minutes.

Two Perfect Babies!!!

Three Weeks Pregnant!

After the 5 minutes I was able to dress and meet Dr A in the hallway for a quick photo before we headed back to the hotel.

At the hotel I took a nap that lasted just over 3 hours! Then the hubby and I binged on HGTV and terrible chinese take out.

The next day was spent mostly in bed but with a quick and easy trip to Trader Joes for snacks and a beautiful drive to see the ocean. Dinner was an amazing meal at a Cuban restaurant then back to the hotel for a good night's rest before heading home the next morning.

We're In This Now! (Excuse my overuse of exclamation marks! I just love them so much!!!!)

If you read my last blog entry then you know all about the drama of my uterus. What I didn't write about was the drama of trying to plan for an IVF transfer in another state when your body won't cooperate! I will leave that one up to Lori because the poor girl was the one trying to make all of the travel arrangements.

We were getting discouraging readings from the clinic here in Boise (by the way, we use the clinic here for all my general blood work and monitoring because it would be way too expensive to keep flying down to California which is where the doctor is that Lori fell in love with. You've got to love your doctor to make all of this work smoothly). After a lining check left us confused and not too confident in the clinic in Boise we decided to make a trip to California to have the doctor who would actually be doing the transfer check out my female parts. Not only did we trust her 100% to give us an accurate result but we also thought it would be great for me to actually meet her prior to transfer and become familiar with the clinic and area where we would be staying for a few days after the transfer.

We left for the Oakland airport on March 12 and would be flying home on March 14. It was just Lori and I. I will be honest, I was slightly nervous to be alone with her for that length of time. (She's going to laugh now when she reads that.) Loving someone doesn't mean you truly know someone. At this point I had already committed to give her myself in the most vulnerable of ways i.e. childbirth but we really didn't know each other on a personal level. This relationship was still "budding" and I was just praying there wouldn't be a lot of dead air between us. I laugh now because I was pleasantly surprised (yet not totally surprised) that this ended up being one of my most memorable trips ever! We had so much fun and we were only really on "vacation" for a day and a half. The rest was spent in the airport.

We flew into Oakland in the early afternoon and decided to grab a quick bite at Panera bread (which we don't have in Idaho so was a must on our trip) before heading straight to the doctor's office in hopes of getting an early appointment. We were quite delighted to be able to pretty much walk straight back and instantly have our ultrasound done. Right away I fell in love with our doctor. She made me feel like I was her number one priority and did everything herself! The clinic here in Boise uses a lot of nurses and other staff to do most of their "dirty" work but Dr A did my ultrasound and drew my blood herself. It's the little things that mean so much to a surrogate who has no idea what she's doing.

We walked straight back to the little ultrasound room and I was told to undress from the waist down. This time was different because Lori was with me. Great way to start the bonding trip! I thought my bladder was pretty empty but Dr A assured me it was not by pressing on it with the ultrasound wand. Ouch! I may have given birth two times but I'm still a chicken to anything slightly uncomfortable. Her first words were "You really do have a thin lining." My heart sunk. She then quickly came back with "But I'm getting a read of 7.1. And over here I'm getting a measurement of 8. Yes, we have a solid 8. Things look great and we can set a transfer date for whenever you like but let's transfer two embryos instead of one." Up until now Lori and Josh had only wanted to do one embryo because we only had three embryos to work with. (Again, another long story that maybe Lori will eventually fill in.) Dr A left the room to let me dress and prep for the blood draw. As soon as she left Lori jumped up and said "Can I hug you? I don't even care that you don't have pants on!" Yay! Our first inside joke :) We were so excited. And so relieved that weeks of pills and discouragement had finally culminated into some amazing news. We were finally going to set a solid transfer date and Josh and Lori had a high probability of twins!!! We had my blood drawn to verify my hormone levels were good then left the office on cloud nine. I still don't think it had totally sunk in for me. I guess it never really does though when it comes to baby making.

From the doctor's office we headed to our hotel to check in and decide how we were going to spend the rest of our trip together. The area of California we were in has some beautiful vineyards so we decided that first thing we needed to do was loosen up a bit and go on a tasting. We drove by a few vineyards and decided on the one that didn't look quite so sketchy or have an advertisement with a shirtless man playing a guitar. It was the perfect way to follow up our good news. We celebrated and laughed and just completely relaxed with each other. We talked non stop all the way back and didn't stop talking until finally at 8:30 we crashed at the hotel. It took everything we had to keep our eyes peeled open until 9:30. An emotional day and lots of flying had left us both beat.

Celebratory Champagne Toast (and my last alcohol for a while)

The next morning we knew we wanted to spend some time in the actual city of San Francisco. We also have a cousin who just moved back there from Boise so we were excited to meet some of her friends and spend some time with just her. I don't remember the day being too eventful. We were able to explore quite a bit of San Francisco including the San Francisco Ferry Building, Pier 39, Golden Gate Bridge and Alcatraz from the beach, and lots and lots of walking.

San Francisco Ferry Building

Me, Lori, and our cousin Michele. Those tortilla chips!!!

Friday morning we flew home excited to make plans and arrangements for my hubby and I to go back to California for the transfer. We decided what would be easiest on myself would be for Paul to come with me to San Francisco (he also had an existing airline credit from previous failed uterus lining reads) and leave our kiddos with Josh and Lori. Calendars were cleared, tickets, a car and hotel were all booked and we anxiously awaited the day we would finally get to bring the babies to Idaho.

Uterus Don't Fail Me Now!

Awe the drama of my uterus. Here's the low down on a uterus and the IVF process. If you're grossed out by women talking menstrual stuff then just grow up because we are so going there. When a woman goes through a normal "cycle" it usually lasts on average 28 days between periods. During those 28 days my uterine lining is getting nice and think and squishy because it's getting ready to catch a baby. My egg is released from my uterus and goes in search of that one strong sperm to latch onto and become a baby. When you are being synthetically controlled all of that changes and things are intensely monitored. We are able to control my ovaries from releasing an egg and we can use ultrasound technology to determine when my lining is nice and ripe for a baby. Once it's nice and ripe we will then schedule the transfer and they can perfectly thaw those frozen little babies. All make sense? So on to my uterus...

I had a saline ultrasound done on January 22 to determine that indeed I had a beautiful uterus! Those are words straight from the doctor :) I then scheduled my first lining check for the week of February 6. The purpose of all of the hormones I was on was to thicken my lining quickly and efficiently. The optimal lining for an IVF transfer is 10-15mm but our doctor (and most fertility doctors) are comfortable transferring at a 7mm measurement. I went in for my first lining check and we had a measurement of 6.1. I was so discouraged! My abdomen felt super bloated from all of the extra meds so I thought for sure that was because my lining was nice and thick. Plus, every bad measurement we get pushes our transfer date out further. Our doctor called and told me to double my Estradiol intake and start taking 2 pills in the am orally, 2 pills afternoon vaginally, 2 pills early evening orally, then 2 pills vaginally right before bed. So I did. I scheduled another ultrasound for February 13 and the reading was a 6.4. Another blow! By now I'm realizing that every ultrasound is costing my IP's (Intended Parents) $500 each so I'm starting to get anxious for them. This time we decided to wait a couple of extra days and schedule a lining check for February 24. That will give us plenty of time. So we thought. Measurement on February 24 came back at a 5!!! What the heck?! How does that even happen? Even our doctor was confused. There's no way I would go down to a 5 without bleeding and I'd been clean panties for a while. After talking with the IP's we decided to go down to California and see our doctor there for a lining check. We already had the trip scheduled because at this point we thought we would be ready for a transfer. 

I leave you hanging because the trip to California is a post all it's own :)

Let the Fun Begin!

I received this little bundle of joy today. It's actually not quite as bad as I was expecting. Our plan now is for me to use the Crinone in lieu of the traditional IVF shots that everyone hears horror stories about.

Here's a breakdown of all of the meds I'm taking, how frequently, and their purpose.

1. Estradiol 2 tablets am and 2 tablets pm starting on January 23 until a positive pregnancy test: This is a synthetic hormone.This is what will thicken my uterine lining and make it nice and squishy for the baby to snuggle in.
2. Dexamethasone 1 tablet am starting on January 23 until 4 days prior to transfer. Then from transfer day until a positive pregnancy test: This is a steroid that is used to suppress my immune system and to prep my body to not reject the babies when they are transferred.
3. Doxycycline 1 tablet am and 1 tablet pm starting 5 days prior to transfer then stopping the day of transfer. This is an antibiotic used to decrease the chance of infection from the actual IVF process. (Remember I'm still taking something to suppress my immune system.)
4. Crinone 1 suppository am and 1 suppository pm starting 6 days pre-transfer and going until a positive pregnancy test: This is a progesterone vaginal suppository. It's another hormone supplement to help maintain a nice thick lining for baby. 
5. Medrol 1 tablet pm just for the 4 nights pre-transfer: Another immune system suppressor to prevent my body from rejecting the baby.
6. Aspirin 81mg am starting January 23 until a positive pregnancy test: Don't want to be getting any blood clots!
7. Prenatal Vitamin am starting January 23 until there's a baby in Lori's arms!!!