Wonderings

Lori went with me for the first beta test the morning of March 20. We kind of hoped they would be able to tell us right then what the levels were but weren't surprised when they said it would take a couple of hours. On top of that their machine was broken so it wouldn't be until late in the day that we would hear anything. March 20 was 8 days post transfer and all of our home pregnancy tests had been negative. I had taken 10 of them. At this point things were not looking good but our doctor still wanted a beta test done just to be sure. I had my blood drawn, we drove home to pick up the kids and I went straight to my MOPS meeting to give my devotion. I barely made it through the devotion but it was so good to just be emotional in front of my closest friends. Knowing they were loving on me was good therapy.

After the meeting I headed home and stayed glued to my phone all day. Finally I received the phone call. Dr A said that my beta level came in at a 7. Technically I was pregnant but that it would not be a healthy pregnancy and to not be too hopeful that the numbers would grow. A little lesson on beta levels....this early on in a pregnancy (3 weeks 5 days) a healthy pregnancy would get a read of 25 or higher. You would be considered not pregnant with anything 5 or less and be in the limbo area if your beta is 6-24. I was at a 7 folks. In other words, at some point one or both of the embryos had implanted and I was really pregnant. But then they let go. We don't know when and we don't know why. There was absolutely nothing I did on my part to cause this and our doctor made sure to reassure me several times that it was nothing I did. And believe me I still wonder sometimes. I was not surprised by the result but still extremely disappointed because I had still been holding out hope that we were expecting. I say disappointed because at that moment that's all I could feel. It takes me a little time for news to truly sink in and by that night I was a mess. Lori and I talked briefly but just that she and Josh needed a couple days to really think things through and I needed a few days just to cry. I cried a lot. I still tear up even now thinking about the two little lives we lost. 

That night I was able to spend the evening with some of my closest girlfriends and share in detail our story. Up until then things had really been pretty quiet. But now I was able to really share our story and that though we had told everyone we were only transferring one embryo we had actually transferred two. We were trying for twins. Josh and Lori wanted to surprise everyone in the delivery room with two beautiful babies. 

I'm still confused as to whether or not we call this a miscarriage or a failed IVF attempt? I really don't know. IVF attempt makes it sound like they weren't real people but miscarriage seems a little too devastating for what I'm feeling now. Most women wouldn't feel just a little bit sad only one week after a miscarriage. I think for the rest of my life I will wonder. Wonder if I did something wrong. Wonder if it would have been twins. Wonder how big my belly would be right now. So many wonderings.