As I close this chapter of my life my heart is overwhelmed. It's heavy as I still grieve what I had originally hoped to achieve. That was to provide a baby for someone who had so much hope and love. My hopes were forced to change over time. My new hopes were that I could fulfill a desire to complete a family. That dream was realized. That hope was fulfilled. The Lord carried me through all of it. There were dark moments. Moments when I fell apart on the floor crying out to God for strength. There were moments of bliss. The moment when I heard K cry over her baby boy with such joy not a single eye in the room was dry. There was a moment of complete strength. The moment when I remember focusing on my body and telling Michael to start moving his way down. Telling him out loud in the shower that his mommy was ready to meet him and that I promised the world outside would be so wonderful. That conversation was my last one with Michael while he was still a part of me. One I'm so grateful I had. The final goodbye as he just 45 minutes later drew his first breath in the hands of his mother.
Our theme for MOPS last year was "Be You Bravely." Talk about completely applicable to my own life! It took courage to do what I did. Courage that I want to own. Courage that will forever be a part of who I am. I am now settled into life with just my little family. The family that loved me and supported me through all of it. The family that sacrificed lots of time with me so that I could pursue a dream. A dream that was better then I ever could have imagined.
The Lord gave me courage. He commanded me to step out in faith and by doing so I fulfilled His will for me. What an amazing experience. To know you are so completely in the will of the Father. It's a rare feeling for me. So often I wonder if I'm really doing what God wants me to do. As a mother and wife it's easy to start thinking that I'm not doing it right. But this last year has taught me that I am confident in His guidance. I was truly tested and came through realizing that I'm stronger then I knew and that He called me higher and I answered. I didn't just sit back. I stepped forward and because of it I flourished. To Him be all the glory! What a wonderful plan He had for me. Thank you Father. Thank you for such a wonderful plan. Thank you for holding my hand through it all. Thank you for praising me. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for weeping with me. Thank you.
