Eeeek....Going Public...

J & L went public today with our surrogacy journey. When they first told me they wanted to I was totally for it. And still am. But I've got to say that I feel way more pressure now. Now the whole world (or at least our little corner) is rooting for us and hoping that a beautiful baby will be born shortly. I know by following all of Dr. A's directions the odds are very much in our favor but I sure can't help but wondering if I'm doing everything I possibly can to make this happen as well. Every time I go for a brownie or don't drink enough water I wonder if that will make a difference. Every cup of coffee and squirt of the hairspray bottle makes me wonder if I'm dirtying my uterus. Oi vei I could question things all day long....

Wonderings

Lori went with me for the first beta test the morning of March 20. We kind of hoped they would be able to tell us right then what the levels were but weren't surprised when they said it would take a couple of hours. On top of that their machine was broken so it wouldn't be until late in the day that we would hear anything. March 20 was 8 days post transfer and all of our home pregnancy tests had been negative. I had taken 10 of them. At this point things were not looking good but our doctor still wanted a beta test done just to be sure. I had my blood drawn, we drove home to pick up the kids and I went straight to my MOPS meeting to give my devotion. I barely made it through the devotion but it was so good to just be emotional in front of my closest friends. Knowing they were loving on me was good therapy.

After the meeting I headed home and stayed glued to my phone all day. Finally I received the phone call. Dr A said that my beta level came in at a 7. Technically I was pregnant but that it would not be a healthy pregnancy and to not be too hopeful that the numbers would grow. A little lesson on beta levels....this early on in a pregnancy (3 weeks 5 days) a healthy pregnancy would get a read of 25 or higher. You would be considered not pregnant with anything 5 or less and be in the limbo area if your beta is 6-24. I was at a 7 folks. In other words, at some point one or both of the embryos had implanted and I was really pregnant. But then they let go. We don't know when and we don't know why. There was absolutely nothing I did on my part to cause this and our doctor made sure to reassure me several times that it was nothing I did. And believe me I still wonder sometimes. I was not surprised by the result but still extremely disappointed because I had still been holding out hope that we were expecting. I say disappointed because at that moment that's all I could feel. It takes me a little time for news to truly sink in and by that night I was a mess. Lori and I talked briefly but just that she and Josh needed a couple days to really think things through and I needed a few days just to cry. I cried a lot. I still tear up even now thinking about the two little lives we lost. 

That night I was able to spend the evening with some of my closest girlfriends and share in detail our story. Up until then things had really been pretty quiet. But now I was able to really share our story and that though we had told everyone we were only transferring one embryo we had actually transferred two. We were trying for twins. Josh and Lori wanted to surprise everyone in the delivery room with two beautiful babies. 

I'm still confused as to whether or not we call this a miscarriage or a failed IVF attempt? I really don't know. IVF attempt makes it sound like they weren't real people but miscarriage seems a little too devastating for what I'm feeling now. Most women wouldn't feel just a little bit sad only one week after a miscarriage. I think for the rest of my life I will wonder. Wonder if I did something wrong. Wonder if it would have been twins. Wonder how big my belly would be right now. So many wonderings. 

Oceans

Lori, so close to the ocean

Several months ago I volunteered to give the devotional for my MOPS group. MOPS has been my lifeline as a young mommy of two. Google it! Anyway...at the time I said yes I didn't know that the devotion would end up falling on the morning we would take our first BETA test (the official blood test to find out if we were pregnant after the transfer). I kept putting off writing my message and then realized the scheduling "problem." I needed to write a devotion not knowing if I would be pregnant or not. Should I make it funny and completely not related to my current journey? Should I keep it strictly to scripture and just ignore adding any personal anecdotes?  The week leading up to the devotion was rough because I had had several negative pregnancy tests and knew in my heart things were not looking good on the baby front. The test was on a Thursday morning. Tuesday evening I couldn't control the crying (perhaps the hormones or just the exhaustion of the week before). Hubby and I went to bed at 9:30 and I cried softly until he fell asleep and I could hear him snoring. I snuck downstairs knowing that it was time to write something. Feeling it was time to write something. Here's what poured out....

Matthew 14:22-33

Jesus Walks on the Water

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
 
Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
 
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Me standing on the ocean shore in San Francisco. 36 hours post-transfer #1.

At the moment of penning this, I am exactly 36 hours and 15 minutes away from hearing news that will forever change my life. At the moment I will be reading this to you I will already know what that news is. Ladies, I am scared. I am scared that the Lord has brought me to waters too deep for me to swim in but that I also lack the confidence to walk on top of them. This role of motherhood is one that takes incredible courage and strength yet at this moment I feel completely weak in the hands of my Savior. Sure, I have moments, days, even weeks where I feel strong and courageous and completely equipped to navigate the life God put me in. But right now is not one of them. My stomach turns when I see the hurt and uncertainty in the lives of the women in this group. My loves, so many of you have gone through so much as mothers and wives. More then I ever thought the Lord would put on us. But then I think that He never promised us that there wouldn't be hurt. Or disappointment. Or anxiety. Or loss so gut wrenching that we sometimes struggle to breathe. No, He only promised us that He would hold us. That He would stretch out His hand if we asked and hold our feet on top of the water. And if we start to doubt and begin to fear, then He will pull us up and hold us again. I have wrestled with what words to give you. Should they be words of encouragement, words filled with humor, words straight from scripture. The words are not mine to give. The words come from Him alone. The One who chose us to take on this world. The One who has promised us an eternity of bliss and love if we just allow Him to hold us. The Lord loves on me frequently through music. My husband was blasting a song from his office a few weeks ago and at the time I didn't know that those words would be literally shouted from my mouth today as I cried out to God asking for His encouragement only to hear Him say that He called me out onto these waters. He will guide me, or hold me, or just sit there next to me when no one else can.


Play "Oceans" by Hillsong United.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPq3wAqLvKI

It's Go Time!!!

Hubby and I left our kiddos with J and L for the three days that we would be in California for the transfer. We took off on a Tuesday evening. Our transfer appointment was scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. First thing we did when we landed in California was find an In N' Out. Idaho doesn't have such fine fast food. Wednesday morning we enjoyed an amazing breakfast at a restaurant we found on Yelp then spent a bunch of money at an incredible outlet mall.

In N' Out

Flying Toward the Ocean

I really wasn't nervous for our transfer. The other surro moms I had talked to said it was really fast and completely pain free. We arrived at the office at 1:15 for our 1:30 appointment. Oh, I left out taking the vallium. I was prescribed one vallium to take prior to transfer just to calm me down and make sure I was totally relaxed for the transfer. Pretty uneventful and really just made me feel like I'd had half a glass of wine. (Which I had been missing!!!!) We were told by the nurse that they were running a few minutes behind because the woman who had the transfer scheduled right before us had emptied her bladder (something you're not supposed to do just before a transfer). They were waiting for her to "fill back up" and then it would be our turn. We walked back at 1:45.

Our amazing doctor met us in the procedure room where beautiful spa music was playing. All it was missing was someone to give a hand massage while I laid there! She went through what to expect and had me undress from the waist down then cover up with a nice warm blanket. The entire process of the actual transfer itself is quite systematic and official. I was spread open and while Dr. A held me open a nurse pressed on my abdomen with an ultrasound wand so they could see exactly where the catheter was for the babies to pass through. There was a knock on the back door and a gentleman walked in. He asked for my name and asked me to confirm we were transferring two embryos. He then walked out and shut the door. 30 seconds later he came back in with a super long tube attached to a syringe. He handed the babies off to the Dr and stepped out. Dr A immediately placed the tube inside my uterus and released the babies into their new home. We were able to watch on a monitor them go in. Really you can't see anything but the air bubbles from the solution the babies are in in the syringe. Dr A said it went perfectly and removed the tube. She knocked on the door and the gentleman came back in. He took the syringe from her and went back out to double check that the babies did in fact leave the tube. We were given the all clear! Dr A told me to stay comfy and rest on my back for 5 minutes.

Two Perfect Babies!!!

Three Weeks Pregnant!

After the 5 minutes I was able to dress and meet Dr A in the hallway for a quick photo before we headed back to the hotel.

At the hotel I took a nap that lasted just over 3 hours! Then the hubby and I binged on HGTV and terrible chinese take out.

The next day was spent mostly in bed but with a quick and easy trip to Trader Joes for snacks and a beautiful drive to see the ocean. Dinner was an amazing meal at a Cuban restaurant then back to the hotel for a good night's rest before heading home the next morning.

We're In This Now! (Excuse my overuse of exclamation marks! I just love them so much!!!!)

If you read my last blog entry then you know all about the drama of my uterus. What I didn't write about was the drama of trying to plan for an IVF transfer in another state when your body won't cooperate! I will leave that one up to Lori because the poor girl was the one trying to make all of the travel arrangements.

We were getting discouraging readings from the clinic here in Boise (by the way, we use the clinic here for all my general blood work and monitoring because it would be way too expensive to keep flying down to California which is where the doctor is that Lori fell in love with. You've got to love your doctor to make all of this work smoothly). After a lining check left us confused and not too confident in the clinic in Boise we decided to make a trip to California to have the doctor who would actually be doing the transfer check out my female parts. Not only did we trust her 100% to give us an accurate result but we also thought it would be great for me to actually meet her prior to transfer and become familiar with the clinic and area where we would be staying for a few days after the transfer.

We left for the Oakland airport on March 12 and would be flying home on March 14. It was just Lori and I. I will be honest, I was slightly nervous to be alone with her for that length of time. (She's going to laugh now when she reads that.) Loving someone doesn't mean you truly know someone. At this point I had already committed to give her myself in the most vulnerable of ways i.e. childbirth but we really didn't know each other on a personal level. This relationship was still "budding" and I was just praying there wouldn't be a lot of dead air between us. I laugh now because I was pleasantly surprised (yet not totally surprised) that this ended up being one of my most memorable trips ever! We had so much fun and we were only really on "vacation" for a day and a half. The rest was spent in the airport.

We flew into Oakland in the early afternoon and decided to grab a quick bite at Panera bread (which we don't have in Idaho so was a must on our trip) before heading straight to the doctor's office in hopes of getting an early appointment. We were quite delighted to be able to pretty much walk straight back and instantly have our ultrasound done. Right away I fell in love with our doctor. She made me feel like I was her number one priority and did everything herself! The clinic here in Boise uses a lot of nurses and other staff to do most of their "dirty" work but Dr A did my ultrasound and drew my blood herself. It's the little things that mean so much to a surrogate who has no idea what she's doing.

We walked straight back to the little ultrasound room and I was told to undress from the waist down. This time was different because Lori was with me. Great way to start the bonding trip! I thought my bladder was pretty empty but Dr A assured me it was not by pressing on it with the ultrasound wand. Ouch! I may have given birth two times but I'm still a chicken to anything slightly uncomfortable. Her first words were "You really do have a thin lining." My heart sunk. She then quickly came back with "But I'm getting a read of 7.1. And over here I'm getting a measurement of 8. Yes, we have a solid 8. Things look great and we can set a transfer date for whenever you like but let's transfer two embryos instead of one." Up until now Lori and Josh had only wanted to do one embryo because we only had three embryos to work with. (Again, another long story that maybe Lori will eventually fill in.) Dr A left the room to let me dress and prep for the blood draw. As soon as she left Lori jumped up and said "Can I hug you? I don't even care that you don't have pants on!" Yay! Our first inside joke :) We were so excited. And so relieved that weeks of pills and discouragement had finally culminated into some amazing news. We were finally going to set a solid transfer date and Josh and Lori had a high probability of twins!!! We had my blood drawn to verify my hormone levels were good then left the office on cloud nine. I still don't think it had totally sunk in for me. I guess it never really does though when it comes to baby making.

From the doctor's office we headed to our hotel to check in and decide how we were going to spend the rest of our trip together. The area of California we were in has some beautiful vineyards so we decided that first thing we needed to do was loosen up a bit and go on a tasting. We drove by a few vineyards and decided on the one that didn't look quite so sketchy or have an advertisement with a shirtless man playing a guitar. It was the perfect way to follow up our good news. We celebrated and laughed and just completely relaxed with each other. We talked non stop all the way back and didn't stop talking until finally at 8:30 we crashed at the hotel. It took everything we had to keep our eyes peeled open until 9:30. An emotional day and lots of flying had left us both beat.

Celebratory Champagne Toast (and my last alcohol for a while)

The next morning we knew we wanted to spend some time in the actual city of San Francisco. We also have a cousin who just moved back there from Boise so we were excited to meet some of her friends and spend some time with just her. I don't remember the day being too eventful. We were able to explore quite a bit of San Francisco including the San Francisco Ferry Building, Pier 39, Golden Gate Bridge and Alcatraz from the beach, and lots and lots of walking.

San Francisco Ferry Building

Me, Lori, and our cousin Michele. Those tortilla chips!!!

Friday morning we flew home excited to make plans and arrangements for my hubby and I to go back to California for the transfer. We decided what would be easiest on myself would be for Paul to come with me to San Francisco (he also had an existing airline credit from previous failed uterus lining reads) and leave our kiddos with Josh and Lori. Calendars were cleared, tickets, a car and hotel were all booked and we anxiously awaited the day we would finally get to bring the babies to Idaho.

Uterus Don't Fail Me Now!

Awe the drama of my uterus. Here's the low down on a uterus and the IVF process. If you're grossed out by women talking menstrual stuff then just grow up because we are so going there. When a woman goes through a normal "cycle" it usually lasts on average 28 days between periods. During those 28 days my uterine lining is getting nice and think and squishy because it's getting ready to catch a baby. My egg is released from my uterus and goes in search of that one strong sperm to latch onto and become a baby. When you are being synthetically controlled all of that changes and things are intensely monitored. We are able to control my ovaries from releasing an egg and we can use ultrasound technology to determine when my lining is nice and ripe for a baby. Once it's nice and ripe we will then schedule the transfer and they can perfectly thaw those frozen little babies. All make sense? So on to my uterus...

I had a saline ultrasound done on January 22 to determine that indeed I had a beautiful uterus! Those are words straight from the doctor :) I then scheduled my first lining check for the week of February 6. The purpose of all of the hormones I was on was to thicken my lining quickly and efficiently. The optimal lining for an IVF transfer is 10-15mm but our doctor (and most fertility doctors) are comfortable transferring at a 7mm measurement. I went in for my first lining check and we had a measurement of 6.1. I was so discouraged! My abdomen felt super bloated from all of the extra meds so I thought for sure that was because my lining was nice and thick. Plus, every bad measurement we get pushes our transfer date out further. Our doctor called and told me to double my Estradiol intake and start taking 2 pills in the am orally, 2 pills afternoon vaginally, 2 pills early evening orally, then 2 pills vaginally right before bed. So I did. I scheduled another ultrasound for February 13 and the reading was a 6.4. Another blow! By now I'm realizing that every ultrasound is costing my IP's (Intended Parents) $500 each so I'm starting to get anxious for them. This time we decided to wait a couple of extra days and schedule a lining check for February 24. That will give us plenty of time. So we thought. Measurement on February 24 came back at a 5!!! What the heck?! How does that even happen? Even our doctor was confused. There's no way I would go down to a 5 without bleeding and I'd been clean panties for a while. After talking with the IP's we decided to go down to California and see our doctor there for a lining check. We already had the trip scheduled because at this point we thought we would be ready for a transfer. 

I leave you hanging because the trip to California is a post all it's own :)