Oceans

Lori, so close to the ocean

Several months ago I volunteered to give the devotional for my MOPS group. MOPS has been my lifeline as a young mommy of two. Google it! Anyway...at the time I said yes I didn't know that the devotion would end up falling on the morning we would take our first BETA test (the official blood test to find out if we were pregnant after the transfer). I kept putting off writing my message and then realized the scheduling "problem." I needed to write a devotion not knowing if I would be pregnant or not. Should I make it funny and completely not related to my current journey? Should I keep it strictly to scripture and just ignore adding any personal anecdotes?  The week leading up to the devotion was rough because I had had several negative pregnancy tests and knew in my heart things were not looking good on the baby front. The test was on a Thursday morning. Tuesday evening I couldn't control the crying (perhaps the hormones or just the exhaustion of the week before). Hubby and I went to bed at 9:30 and I cried softly until he fell asleep and I could hear him snoring. I snuck downstairs knowing that it was time to write something. Feeling it was time to write something. Here's what poured out....

Matthew 14:22-33

Jesus Walks on the Water

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
 
Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
 
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Me standing on the ocean shore in San Francisco. 36 hours post-transfer #1.

At the moment of penning this, I am exactly 36 hours and 15 minutes away from hearing news that will forever change my life. At the moment I will be reading this to you I will already know what that news is. Ladies, I am scared. I am scared that the Lord has brought me to waters too deep for me to swim in but that I also lack the confidence to walk on top of them. This role of motherhood is one that takes incredible courage and strength yet at this moment I feel completely weak in the hands of my Savior. Sure, I have moments, days, even weeks where I feel strong and courageous and completely equipped to navigate the life God put me in. But right now is not one of them. My stomach turns when I see the hurt and uncertainty in the lives of the women in this group. My loves, so many of you have gone through so much as mothers and wives. More then I ever thought the Lord would put on us. But then I think that He never promised us that there wouldn't be hurt. Or disappointment. Or anxiety. Or loss so gut wrenching that we sometimes struggle to breathe. No, He only promised us that He would hold us. That He would stretch out His hand if we asked and hold our feet on top of the water. And if we start to doubt and begin to fear, then He will pull us up and hold us again. I have wrestled with what words to give you. Should they be words of encouragement, words filled with humor, words straight from scripture. The words are not mine to give. The words come from Him alone. The One who chose us to take on this world. The One who has promised us an eternity of bliss and love if we just allow Him to hold us. The Lord loves on me frequently through music. My husband was blasting a song from his office a few weeks ago and at the time I didn't know that those words would be literally shouted from my mouth today as I cried out to God asking for His encouragement only to hear Him say that He called me out onto these waters. He will guide me, or hold me, or just sit there next to me when no one else can.


Play "Oceans" by Hillsong United.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPq3wAqLvKI