The end of the road?

When I started this blog I never thought in a million years that we would never hold those sweet babies. We were told from the beginning that if we transferred two embryos then Josh and Lori would end up with twins. But here we are now having once again transferred two more babies and found out on Thursday morning that the babies never finished the implantation process.

I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.

The Story...

On April 30, I went in for another scan of my uterus to see if my lining had thickened up any more from the 6.8 we had read a couple of weeks prior. We were really hoping for double digits but our doctor said she would be happy with a 9. The reading came back at 7.2. Once again, we felt discouraged but our doctor was very optimistic that if we waited for a May 12 transfer my lining would be right where it needed to be for the babies. So Lori booked our plane tickets, reserved the hotel, and made plans for a May 12 transfer at 2pm.

At this point I also began the progesterone shots. I had heard horror stories from women about these shots so I prepared myself for the worse. They were right. These shots were terrible. It is medication once again based in oil. When the injection is given the medicine just sits in one spot and is extremely slow to absorb into the muscle. I found that massaging the injection site with an incredible amount of pressure and then sitting on a heating pad on high for an hour helped spread the medicine. The first couple of days it hurt so bad to walk, sit, and lie down. I finally asked for prayer that specifically they would quit hurting and the Lord answered with a resounding "YES"! The next morning I woke up and all of the discomfort was gone. Once again a small victory.

Finally the morning of May 12 arrived and Lori and I flew out at 9:30am. We arrived in California at 10:30 and spent some time shopping, driving, and eating. Our appointment was scheduled for 2 so starting at 12:30 I began drinking LOTS of water. At 1:15 I took a valium prescribed by our doctor to help myself relax. Our doctor was surprised and quite delighted to see that Lori had come with me. The transfer went as perfectly as the first time. The beautiful little "sparkles" actually made the doctor and her nurse gasp as the shot into place. Everything went perfectly! I spent the next 48 hours on strict bed rest. Lori and I dreamed about how she could share the pregnancy announcement, we shared baby shower ideas, newborn picture ideas, how we hoped the labor and delivery would go... On day three we went on a very relaxing and much needed walk with our cousin who lives in San Francisco and enjoyed dinner al fresco. Perfect week!

We flew home Thursday morning and had committed to not taking a home pregnancy test (HPT) until Sunday morning. But come Friday neither of us could wait. Our first HPT came back negative Friday afternoon. It was still extremely early for my HcG levels to be high enough to detect a pregnancy. On the morning of  Monday, May 19 I went in for my first beta test. My HcG came back at a 6 (7dp5dt). I went back in for another beta test on the morning of Tuesday, May 20 and my HcG came back at a 14!!! We were finally confident we had a positive pregnancy. On the evening of Tuesday, May 20 (7dp5dt) we finally got a positive line!!! Josh and Lori were here for that test and were so ecstatic.

It's barely there but definitely a positive line!!!

Wednesday morning I took a digital test and it came back "Not Pregnant." Thursday morning I took a HPT and the line was starting to fade. I went in for another beta Thursday morning and received the heartbreaking email that our numbers had dropped to 9. I was at a MOPS meeting when I got the news and had to leave early because I was struggling to hold it together. I packed up my two kiddos and drove home. The tears were trying to burst but I couldn't let them. I needed to focus on taking care of my children and could find time to process everything later. I briefly texted Lori and told her that I loved her and would talk to her later in the weekend. Knowing how we felt the first time I thought a couple days to process would be good. I spent most of the day just staying busy and focusing on my littles. Then Paul walked in the door after work and I lost it. Completely fell apart. Sobbing uncontrollably to the point I was dry heaving. "Why Lord? Why?" I questioned my body's ability to carry a baby but was quickly affirmed by my surrogate friends that in a surrogacy case it is always a problem with the embryos. But that brought me little comfort. Those embryos were so perfect! Barely given a chance at life. 
Several people have asked me what's next for Josh and Lori. I'm not really sure. As far as surrogacy right now that is put on a very strong and potentially long hault. There are no more embryos to transfer so things would once again be quite expensive.
Lori and I have talked a little bit over the last few days and are both still in shock and just trying to stay busy. The grief hits me in waves. I know the next couple of weeks are going to be a hormonal nightmare as my body detoxes all of the medication. I'm a mess. My heart physically hurts, at moments I can barely catch my breath. I go from moments of joy with my family to complete lack of self control and raise my voice or attack a bush in my backyard. I don't really know where to let myself go from here. I'm just praying that the Lord's plan and purpose in all of this would continue forward with clarity.

I'm going to print lots of scripture to keep on hand when the grief overtakes me. Some of my favorites...


"Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord had heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer:" Psalm 6:2-4, 6-9

"When calamity comes, the wicked are brought down, but even in death the righteous seek refuge in God." Proverbs 14:32

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

"I don't want this pregnancy to be about me. I want it to highlight the beautiful maternal fire burning inside my best friend."

I've been a little emotional today. I can feel myself starting to kind of go inside myself as we get closer to round number 2. We have another ultrasound scheduled for this Wednesday, April 30 to see if my lining is where it should be for another transfer. So much is running through my mind when I think about all of the possibilities and I find myself getting scared and anxious. So today I've felt scared, anxious, and grateful all at the same time. Obviously, the scared and anxious emotions are easy for everyone to understand seeing as how we've been through this once before without a positive pregnancy test. The feeling of gratefulness though I think I need to write down.


Today I am feeling so very grateful that Lori has chosen me to be the one to take care of her baby for the first 9 months. It's an honor folks. A privilege and an overwhelming honor that she would allow me to do this for her. When I tell people about this journey the majority of the responses include "What a gift you are giving them." I understand what they mean and I don't want to minimize at all the part that I am playing in all of this but from my side of things it feels a bit different. Yes, I am definitely giving her something wonderful but womb rental isn't really that glamorous. No, she has given me something so much greater. She has given me her trust. She has seen a lot of heartache and struggles and yet she has come through all of it with hope and excitement at where her life is still going. She's the one with the real gift to give. A story that I pray she will be able to share someday.


This, sweet baby. This is the reason I am doing this. This who I am doing this for. Your mother...

Lining Drama Part 2

Lori and I had our first lining check appointment today for our second IVF transfer. We were hoping for a read of 10 but received a measurement of 6.8. This is not bad news just news that we need to wait a little longer. The good news though is that when I was taking Estradiol orally last time around I had been on it over 8 weeks and was still only getting a read of 6.5-7.5. This time I have been on the injections for three weeks and had a measurement of 6.8! Things are progressing much faster this time around! Now we wait for a call from Dr. Aimee to see what we should do next. We will definitely be waiting until at least May for the next transfer.

The inside of my uterus!! [P.S. No baby yet :)]

Round 2

On March 20, 2014 Lori and I went in for our first beta test to determine whether or not she was going to be expecting a baby in December. We found out that afternoon that we were not expecting. What followed for me over the next few days was a crazy amount of grieving. I cried a lot. Mostly in the privacy of my bathroom where my two children and husband couldn't see. My husband was amazing and allowed me to go through the grief cycle in private but made sure to frequently touch base over those couple of days with lots of hugs and rest. Lori and I really didn't feel like talking with each other or really anybody that weekend. We sent a few texts back and forth just trying to coordinate a time for a good conversation but that conversation didn't happen until Sunday. Both of us were just so emotionally exhausted that Sunday was really the first day either of us could process what to do next.

Saturday night, March 22, Lori had sent me a text but I didn't receive it until the following morning after church due to my chronically dead phone. Here's how the conversation for round #2 started....

Immediately my phone rang :) (Quick note, my husband really is that awesome!!!!) Lori and I talked about if we were really sure we didn't want compensation for the pregnancy and I said absolutely yes. If that's all it took for them to try again then the money wasn't worth it. IVF is soooo expensive. Most people who choose to go this route to build a family have the money to pay for it. We're talking $20,000+ to do IVF and that doesn't include if you need to use a surrogate or if you attempt a transfer more then once. And for all of us this decision was made fairly quickly so there were not years, or even months to save up for it. The way things have played out with the egg donor and my personal calendar has caused things to move extremely fast. So every little bit we can all save to make this cheaper is huge. This is definitely a team effort :)

She said she would need to verify with Josh but that if we were really sure we wanted to offer this for free then they could come up with the money it would take to pay all of the travel expenses and fees associated with thawing and transferring the embryo. All of this was decided and confirmed by Sunday evening. The doctor was emailed that next morning and within just a couple of hours I started to bleed. 

Even though I was so extremely excited to try this again the bleeding got two me. This was my body's final rejection of the two precious babies we had transferred just a couple of weeks earlier. It's such a strange thing going through all of this. I have pictures of the two babies that we transferred and although they didn't have little faces yet or anything to resemble an infant I still see them in my mind and tear up when I think of them. 

As soon as I started bleeding we knew we needed to act fast to get me the medication needed for round two. By Tuesday afternoon I had the meds in hand. This time we have decided to go the delestrogen injection route. My body did not respond as well as we wanted to the Estradiol tablets so now I'm taking Estradiol Valerate Injection through my lower hip every three nights. I've heard horror stories from other women who have gone through the shots. They can be painful and cause knots under your skin because the medication is injected with oil. So far I've had zero side effects aside from a little soreness just after receiving a shot. The injections are intramuscular so they feel like a flu shot. Same kind of muscle ache too afterward. Paul bought me a heating pad though and I really believe that's what has helped me not have any pain afterward. The heat from the heating pad helps the oil melt into my muscle and not stay in one place. I've been so blessed that I have not needed to give myself an injection. I have a friend who is a pharmacist so she has given me several, a cousin who is a paramedic so she has done one, my hubby Paul has done one, and Lori has rescued me a couple of times and given me two. Also, shout out to all of the women who have been so encouraging through this process. Each of them have also gone through the shots and have been my emotional sisters through all of this. You know who you are :)

The pink needle on the right is for drawing up the medication. The grey needle on the left is for the actual injection.

The needle we stick in my tushy is almost the length of my pinky finger. The needle is 1 1/2" long but is only inserted 1". (Pharmacy accidentally sent me the wrong length)

 Paul's cousin Lindsay (the paramedic) giving an injection at her birthday party.

Lori came over late last night so poor Paul didn't have to do it. That look of excitement on her face was really more a look of "I'm so sorry so I'm going to smile through it to help ease the pain!"

My first appointment to check my lining is scheduled for this Wednesday, April 16 at 9:00 am. Prayers would be greatly appreciated! We are hoping for a nice thick squishy uterus. To best optimize the chances of implantation, studies have shown that the endometrial thickness should be 6 mm or more. Best implantation rates in in vitro fertilization have been shown to be with lining thickness of 10 mm or more but there are many studies to show that implantation can occur with endometrial thickness as low as 5mm - just not as easily. The week prior to our transfer my lining was at 8 mm. We are assuming it was 9 mm at transfer but do not know for sure. We would really like a 10 mm read this week!!! I've been taking all of the shots regularly and am drinking two cups of organic raspberry leaf tea which some of my surro friends swear by. 

Eeeek....Going Public...

J & L went public today with our surrogacy journey. When they first told me they wanted to I was totally for it. And still am. But I've got to say that I feel way more pressure now. Now the whole world (or at least our little corner) is rooting for us and hoping that a beautiful baby will be born shortly. I know by following all of Dr. A's directions the odds are very much in our favor but I sure can't help but wondering if I'm doing everything I possibly can to make this happen as well. Every time I go for a brownie or don't drink enough water I wonder if that will make a difference. Every cup of coffee and squirt of the hairspray bottle makes me wonder if I'm dirtying my uterus. Oi vei I could question things all day long....

Wonderings

Lori went with me for the first beta test the morning of March 20. We kind of hoped they would be able to tell us right then what the levels were but weren't surprised when they said it would take a couple of hours. On top of that their machine was broken so it wouldn't be until late in the day that we would hear anything. March 20 was 8 days post transfer and all of our home pregnancy tests had been negative. I had taken 10 of them. At this point things were not looking good but our doctor still wanted a beta test done just to be sure. I had my blood drawn, we drove home to pick up the kids and I went straight to my MOPS meeting to give my devotion. I barely made it through the devotion but it was so good to just be emotional in front of my closest friends. Knowing they were loving on me was good therapy.

After the meeting I headed home and stayed glued to my phone all day. Finally I received the phone call. Dr A said that my beta level came in at a 7. Technically I was pregnant but that it would not be a healthy pregnancy and to not be too hopeful that the numbers would grow. A little lesson on beta levels....this early on in a pregnancy (3 weeks 5 days) a healthy pregnancy would get a read of 25 or higher. You would be considered not pregnant with anything 5 or less and be in the limbo area if your beta is 6-24. I was at a 7 folks. In other words, at some point one or both of the embryos had implanted and I was really pregnant. But then they let go. We don't know when and we don't know why. There was absolutely nothing I did on my part to cause this and our doctor made sure to reassure me several times that it was nothing I did. And believe me I still wonder sometimes. I was not surprised by the result but still extremely disappointed because I had still been holding out hope that we were expecting. I say disappointed because at that moment that's all I could feel. It takes me a little time for news to truly sink in and by that night I was a mess. Lori and I talked briefly but just that she and Josh needed a couple days to really think things through and I needed a few days just to cry. I cried a lot. I still tear up even now thinking about the two little lives we lost. 

That night I was able to spend the evening with some of my closest girlfriends and share in detail our story. Up until then things had really been pretty quiet. But now I was able to really share our story and that though we had told everyone we were only transferring one embryo we had actually transferred two. We were trying for twins. Josh and Lori wanted to surprise everyone in the delivery room with two beautiful babies. 

I'm still confused as to whether or not we call this a miscarriage or a failed IVF attempt? I really don't know. IVF attempt makes it sound like they weren't real people but miscarriage seems a little too devastating for what I'm feeling now. Most women wouldn't feel just a little bit sad only one week after a miscarriage. I think for the rest of my life I will wonder. Wonder if I did something wrong. Wonder if it would have been twins. Wonder how big my belly would be right now. So many wonderings. 

Oceans

Lori, so close to the ocean

Several months ago I volunteered to give the devotional for my MOPS group. MOPS has been my lifeline as a young mommy of two. Google it! Anyway...at the time I said yes I didn't know that the devotion would end up falling on the morning we would take our first BETA test (the official blood test to find out if we were pregnant after the transfer). I kept putting off writing my message and then realized the scheduling "problem." I needed to write a devotion not knowing if I would be pregnant or not. Should I make it funny and completely not related to my current journey? Should I keep it strictly to scripture and just ignore adding any personal anecdotes?  The week leading up to the devotion was rough because I had had several negative pregnancy tests and knew in my heart things were not looking good on the baby front. The test was on a Thursday morning. Tuesday evening I couldn't control the crying (perhaps the hormones or just the exhaustion of the week before). Hubby and I went to bed at 9:30 and I cried softly until he fell asleep and I could hear him snoring. I snuck downstairs knowing that it was time to write something. Feeling it was time to write something. Here's what poured out....

Matthew 14:22-33

Jesus Walks on the Water

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
 
Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
 
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Me standing on the ocean shore in San Francisco. 36 hours post-transfer #1.

At the moment of penning this, I am exactly 36 hours and 15 minutes away from hearing news that will forever change my life. At the moment I will be reading this to you I will already know what that news is. Ladies, I am scared. I am scared that the Lord has brought me to waters too deep for me to swim in but that I also lack the confidence to walk on top of them. This role of motherhood is one that takes incredible courage and strength yet at this moment I feel completely weak in the hands of my Savior. Sure, I have moments, days, even weeks where I feel strong and courageous and completely equipped to navigate the life God put me in. But right now is not one of them. My stomach turns when I see the hurt and uncertainty in the lives of the women in this group. My loves, so many of you have gone through so much as mothers and wives. More then I ever thought the Lord would put on us. But then I think that He never promised us that there wouldn't be hurt. Or disappointment. Or anxiety. Or loss so gut wrenching that we sometimes struggle to breathe. No, He only promised us that He would hold us. That He would stretch out His hand if we asked and hold our feet on top of the water. And if we start to doubt and begin to fear, then He will pull us up and hold us again. I have wrestled with what words to give you. Should they be words of encouragement, words filled with humor, words straight from scripture. The words are not mine to give. The words come from Him alone. The One who chose us to take on this world. The One who has promised us an eternity of bliss and love if we just allow Him to hold us. The Lord loves on me frequently through music. My husband was blasting a song from his office a few weeks ago and at the time I didn't know that those words would be literally shouted from my mouth today as I cried out to God asking for His encouragement only to hear Him say that He called me out onto these waters. He will guide me, or hold me, or just sit there next to me when no one else can.


Play "Oceans" by Hillsong United.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPq3wAqLvKI