The end of the road?

When I started this blog I never thought in a million years that we would never hold those sweet babies. We were told from the beginning that if we transferred two embryos then Josh and Lori would end up with twins. But here we are now having once again transferred two more babies and found out on Thursday morning that the babies never finished the implantation process.

I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.

The Story...

On April 30, I went in for another scan of my uterus to see if my lining had thickened up any more from the 6.8 we had read a couple of weeks prior. We were really hoping for double digits but our doctor said she would be happy with a 9. The reading came back at 7.2. Once again, we felt discouraged but our doctor was very optimistic that if we waited for a May 12 transfer my lining would be right where it needed to be for the babies. So Lori booked our plane tickets, reserved the hotel, and made plans for a May 12 transfer at 2pm.

At this point I also began the progesterone shots. I had heard horror stories from women about these shots so I prepared myself for the worse. They were right. These shots were terrible. It is medication once again based in oil. When the injection is given the medicine just sits in one spot and is extremely slow to absorb into the muscle. I found that massaging the injection site with an incredible amount of pressure and then sitting on a heating pad on high for an hour helped spread the medicine. The first couple of days it hurt so bad to walk, sit, and lie down. I finally asked for prayer that specifically they would quit hurting and the Lord answered with a resounding "YES"! The next morning I woke up and all of the discomfort was gone. Once again a small victory.

Finally the morning of May 12 arrived and Lori and I flew out at 9:30am. We arrived in California at 10:30 and spent some time shopping, driving, and eating. Our appointment was scheduled for 2 so starting at 12:30 I began drinking LOTS of water. At 1:15 I took a valium prescribed by our doctor to help myself relax. Our doctor was surprised and quite delighted to see that Lori had come with me. The transfer went as perfectly as the first time. The beautiful little "sparkles" actually made the doctor and her nurse gasp as the shot into place. Everything went perfectly! I spent the next 48 hours on strict bed rest. Lori and I dreamed about how she could share the pregnancy announcement, we shared baby shower ideas, newborn picture ideas, how we hoped the labor and delivery would go... On day three we went on a very relaxing and much needed walk with our cousin who lives in San Francisco and enjoyed dinner al fresco. Perfect week!

We flew home Thursday morning and had committed to not taking a home pregnancy test (HPT) until Sunday morning. But come Friday neither of us could wait. Our first HPT came back negative Friday afternoon. It was still extremely early for my HcG levels to be high enough to detect a pregnancy. On the morning of  Monday, May 19 I went in for my first beta test. My HcG came back at a 6 (7dp5dt). I went back in for another beta test on the morning of Tuesday, May 20 and my HcG came back at a 14!!! We were finally confident we had a positive pregnancy. On the evening of Tuesday, May 20 (7dp5dt) we finally got a positive line!!! Josh and Lori were here for that test and were so ecstatic.

It's barely there but definitely a positive line!!!

Wednesday morning I took a digital test and it came back "Not Pregnant." Thursday morning I took a HPT and the line was starting to fade. I went in for another beta Thursday morning and received the heartbreaking email that our numbers had dropped to 9. I was at a MOPS meeting when I got the news and had to leave early because I was struggling to hold it together. I packed up my two kiddos and drove home. The tears were trying to burst but I couldn't let them. I needed to focus on taking care of my children and could find time to process everything later. I briefly texted Lori and told her that I loved her and would talk to her later in the weekend. Knowing how we felt the first time I thought a couple days to process would be good. I spent most of the day just staying busy and focusing on my littles. Then Paul walked in the door after work and I lost it. Completely fell apart. Sobbing uncontrollably to the point I was dry heaving. "Why Lord? Why?" I questioned my body's ability to carry a baby but was quickly affirmed by my surrogate friends that in a surrogacy case it is always a problem with the embryos. But that brought me little comfort. Those embryos were so perfect! Barely given a chance at life. 
Several people have asked me what's next for Josh and Lori. I'm not really sure. As far as surrogacy right now that is put on a very strong and potentially long hault. There are no more embryos to transfer so things would once again be quite expensive.
Lori and I have talked a little bit over the last few days and are both still in shock and just trying to stay busy. The grief hits me in waves. I know the next couple of weeks are going to be a hormonal nightmare as my body detoxes all of the medication. I'm a mess. My heart physically hurts, at moments I can barely catch my breath. I go from moments of joy with my family to complete lack of self control and raise my voice or attack a bush in my backyard. I don't really know where to let myself go from here. I'm just praying that the Lord's plan and purpose in all of this would continue forward with clarity.

I'm going to print lots of scripture to keep on hand when the grief overtakes me. Some of my favorites...


"Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord had heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer:" Psalm 6:2-4, 6-9

"When calamity comes, the wicked are brought down, but even in death the righteous seek refuge in God." Proverbs 14:32

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5