Called Me Higher

As I close this chapter of my life my heart is overwhelmed. It's heavy as I still grieve what I had originally hoped to achieve. That was to provide a baby for someone who had so much hope and love. My hopes were forced to change over time. My new hopes were that I could fulfill a desire to complete a family. That dream was realized. That hope was fulfilled. The Lord carried me through all of it. There were dark moments. Moments when I fell apart on the floor crying out to God for strength. There were moments of bliss. The moment when I heard K cry over her baby boy with such joy not a single eye in the room was dry. There was a moment of complete strength. The moment when I remember focusing on my body and telling Michael to start moving his way down. Telling him out loud in the shower that his mommy was ready to meet him and that I promised the world outside would be so wonderful. That conversation was my last one with Michael while he was still a part of me. One I'm so grateful I had. The final goodbye as he just 45 minutes later drew his first breath in the hands of his mother. 

Our theme for MOPS last year was "Be You Bravely." Talk about completely applicable to my own life! It took courage to do what I did. Courage that I want to own. Courage that will forever be a part of who I am. I am now settled into life with just my little family. The family that loved me and supported me through all of it. The family that sacrificed lots of time with me so that I could pursue a dream. A dream that was better then I ever could have imagined. 

The Lord gave me courage. He commanded me to step out in faith and by doing so I fulfilled His will for me. What an amazing experience. To know you are so completely in the will of the Father. It's a rare feeling for me. So often I wonder if I'm really doing what God wants me to do. As a mother and wife it's easy to start thinking that I'm not doing it right. But this last year has taught me that I am confident in His guidance. I was truly tested and came through realizing that I'm stronger then I knew and that He called me higher and I answered. I didn't just sit back. I stepped forward and because of it I flourished. To Him be all the glory! What a wonderful plan He had for me. Thank you Father. Thank you for such a wonderful plan. Thank you for holding my hand through it all. Thank you for praising me. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for weeping with me. Thank you.

Change In Plans

I started this blog thinking it would solely be the story of my journey through being a surrogate for Josh and Lori. I never in a million years that I would be sitting here, almost a year after first making contact about it all with them, pregnant with another family's baby. It feels like it's turned into a really long journey but it's only been about 10 months which in the world of fertility really is a short amount of time. When we found out just 5 months ago that our second attempt at IVF had failed at giving Lori a baby I knew in my heart I still wanted to be a carrier I just never anticipated the doors would open so quickly and with such ferocity.

When we had made the decision to be a carrier for Josh and Lori I was encouraged to find a support group of other carriers that I could lean on through the process. In December, I was contacted by Whitney Morgan. She introduced herself as the owner of Miracles in the Making which is a full-service Christian-based surrogacy agency. She wanted to meet with me and see if I would fit in well with a few other surrogates who met regularly as a support network. We met at Starbucks on a Monday night in December and immediately hit it off. I told her during that meeting that surrogacy was something I see being a part of my life for several years and would love to be represented by an agency if we ever decided to try again with another couple.

Over the following months I experienced the highs and lows of surrogacy and through it all felt incredible strength from other women who had gone through the same journey. Meeting Whitney and the other women was definitely something only Jesus could have facilitated. When I found out in May that our attempts at building a family for Josh and Lori were over I knew in my heart I still wanted to be a surrogate. Whitney had been a part of every little step along the way so she knew I was still interested but also knew I may need some time to build up the courage to try again for someone else.

Paul and I talked and decided that we felt it was best to at least fill out the application with her agency and submit it with the knowledge that she did not have a waiting list of parents needing surrogates so a match wasn't guaranteed in any amount of time. A few weeks went by and Paul and I had not yet finished our application. In early July Whitney sent me a message she had a potential couple for us and if we wanted to be considered in the pool of surrogate profiles to send in our application as soon as we could. What started as a pool of three surrogates quickly dwindled down to just my profile as the other two surrogates were not quite ready to start the medical process. She sent my profile to the intended parents and in turn I received their profile to review and pray over. On paper it looked like a perfect match. Their faith in Christ was very evident in their profile and their concern for the well being of their surrogate made my heart smile. They already had biological children of their own so I knew that our chances of healthy embryos were pretty good. The part that made me the most excited though was that they only lived a few miles from Paul and I. A local Christian couple looking for a surrogate was really only divine intervention. That just doesn't happen in the surrogacy world. They also were very pro-life in the profile and would not consider selective reduction which was very important to me (again, something not very common in the surrogacy world.)

After both sides decided to proceed with a phone interview photographs were swapped via email. That's when the Lord really made His presence known. I received M and K's family photograph but did not recognize them. They received my photograph and K made a connection. She thought my application sounded familiar but when she saw my photograph she knew she knew me. (My stomach is flipping all around as I'm typing this. It still blows me away.) You may remember this post...http://theirbabyinmybelly.blogspot.com/2014/03/oceans.html. Well, K was in the audience that day!!!! They have an incredible story to tell of their journey to surrogacy but the decision to pursue surrogacy was made in her heart the day she listened to a woman give her testimony at a MOPS meeting. That woman was me! Only the Lord knew that the woman giving her testimony would be the woman who would carry her baby for her.

When K made the connection, M immediately told Whitney and Whitney called me crying. Then I started crying! We set an appointment for a phone interview. The interview went fantastically and at the end we all decided to officially contract with each other.

I set an appointment with the fertility clinic in Boise to begin the medical process. Every appointment was textbook. My lining thickened up a week earlier then we needed which was fantastic. My body did not have any adverse reactions to the injections. Even the injections were easier. Despite my anxiety my body was doing exactly what it was supposed to be doing. M and K had decided that ethically they were only comfortable with fresh transfers. Usually with surrogacy IVF (and excuse my way dumbed down version) the babies are made in a dish then frozen once the geneticist determines they could survive thawing. Some women will have a dozen or more babies frozen. M and K were not comfortable with this. They didn't want "snowflake babies." Babies that are kept frozen and stored, adopted out, donated to research, or disposed of. They wanted the babies that were made each cycle to be given the best chance possible.

Baby making day arrived and three babies survived the first few days. On the day of transfer I was informed that there were still three babies but that one did not look like it would grow past the day. M and K decided to transfer the two strongest embryos and then wait to see if the third would continue growing. He did not. Two babies were transferred and I was put on two days of glorious bed rest. Paul was incredible with the kids. I slept a ton and just tried to stay as comfortable as possible as the babies made their nest. It can be a crampy feeling and unfortunately there isn't a whole lot that you can do to ease the discomfort. It's a good discomfort though. Knowing the babies are making a little home. 7 days post transfer I had a blood draw done and then again on day 9 to see if the babies were growing. My HCG levels were doubling at a 24 hour rate which was absolutely incredible!!! On day 20 my numbers were past 4,000 so were able to rest in knowing I was officially pregnant. The first heart beat ultrasound though would confirm whether or not there was one baby or two.

The three embryos

That ultrasound was today. I was a little nervous. K went to the clinic with me. We both said we were prepared for one baby but not prepared for two or for a negative ultrasound result. The appointment was very fast and as soon as the ultrasound popped up on the screen we instantly knew I was pregnant with one perfectly healthy 7 week, 4 day old baby. Baby C is growing perfectly. The heartbeat was strong. He looks like a little grain of rice right now. He is feeding off of the yolk sac in the ultrasound photo. No placenta yet. We have an ultrasound in two more weeks and by then he should be safely nourishing off of my placenta. This is all so incredible. It's remarkable to see life actually taking place. Not many women have the honor of watching a child grow from day 1. I have pictures of it all. I'm still in awe. Every time K and I talk we just pour words of love on each other for the miracle that is taking place.

7 weeks 4 days

The baby has definitely already taken over my body. I'm functioning in a state of complete exhaustion, peeing frequently, I am hungry constantly, and had a few mornings of queasiness. All wonderful signs though that this pregnancy is going to be completely healthy.

The end of the road?

When I started this blog I never thought in a million years that we would never hold those sweet babies. We were told from the beginning that if we transferred two embryos then Josh and Lori would end up with twins. But here we are now having once again transferred two more babies and found out on Thursday morning that the babies never finished the implantation process.

I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.

The Story...

On April 30, I went in for another scan of my uterus to see if my lining had thickened up any more from the 6.8 we had read a couple of weeks prior. We were really hoping for double digits but our doctor said she would be happy with a 9. The reading came back at 7.2. Once again, we felt discouraged but our doctor was very optimistic that if we waited for a May 12 transfer my lining would be right where it needed to be for the babies. So Lori booked our plane tickets, reserved the hotel, and made plans for a May 12 transfer at 2pm.

At this point I also began the progesterone shots. I had heard horror stories from women about these shots so I prepared myself for the worse. They were right. These shots were terrible. It is medication once again based in oil. When the injection is given the medicine just sits in one spot and is extremely slow to absorb into the muscle. I found that massaging the injection site with an incredible amount of pressure and then sitting on a heating pad on high for an hour helped spread the medicine. The first couple of days it hurt so bad to walk, sit, and lie down. I finally asked for prayer that specifically they would quit hurting and the Lord answered with a resounding "YES"! The next morning I woke up and all of the discomfort was gone. Once again a small victory.

Finally the morning of May 12 arrived and Lori and I flew out at 9:30am. We arrived in California at 10:30 and spent some time shopping, driving, and eating. Our appointment was scheduled for 2 so starting at 12:30 I began drinking LOTS of water. At 1:15 I took a valium prescribed by our doctor to help myself relax. Our doctor was surprised and quite delighted to see that Lori had come with me. The transfer went as perfectly as the first time. The beautiful little "sparkles" actually made the doctor and her nurse gasp as the shot into place. Everything went perfectly! I spent the next 48 hours on strict bed rest. Lori and I dreamed about how she could share the pregnancy announcement, we shared baby shower ideas, newborn picture ideas, how we hoped the labor and delivery would go... On day three we went on a very relaxing and much needed walk with our cousin who lives in San Francisco and enjoyed dinner al fresco. Perfect week!

We flew home Thursday morning and had committed to not taking a home pregnancy test (HPT) until Sunday morning. But come Friday neither of us could wait. Our first HPT came back negative Friday afternoon. It was still extremely early for my HcG levels to be high enough to detect a pregnancy. On the morning of  Monday, May 19 I went in for my first beta test. My HcG came back at a 6 (7dp5dt). I went back in for another beta test on the morning of Tuesday, May 20 and my HcG came back at a 14!!! We were finally confident we had a positive pregnancy. On the evening of Tuesday, May 20 (7dp5dt) we finally got a positive line!!! Josh and Lori were here for that test and were so ecstatic.

It's barely there but definitely a positive line!!!

Wednesday morning I took a digital test and it came back "Not Pregnant." Thursday morning I took a HPT and the line was starting to fade. I went in for another beta Thursday morning and received the heartbreaking email that our numbers had dropped to 9. I was at a MOPS meeting when I got the news and had to leave early because I was struggling to hold it together. I packed up my two kiddos and drove home. The tears were trying to burst but I couldn't let them. I needed to focus on taking care of my children and could find time to process everything later. I briefly texted Lori and told her that I loved her and would talk to her later in the weekend. Knowing how we felt the first time I thought a couple days to process would be good. I spent most of the day just staying busy and focusing on my littles. Then Paul walked in the door after work and I lost it. Completely fell apart. Sobbing uncontrollably to the point I was dry heaving. "Why Lord? Why?" I questioned my body's ability to carry a baby but was quickly affirmed by my surrogate friends that in a surrogacy case it is always a problem with the embryos. But that brought me little comfort. Those embryos were so perfect! Barely given a chance at life. 
Several people have asked me what's next for Josh and Lori. I'm not really sure. As far as surrogacy right now that is put on a very strong and potentially long hault. There are no more embryos to transfer so things would once again be quite expensive.
Lori and I have talked a little bit over the last few days and are both still in shock and just trying to stay busy. The grief hits me in waves. I know the next couple of weeks are going to be a hormonal nightmare as my body detoxes all of the medication. I'm a mess. My heart physically hurts, at moments I can barely catch my breath. I go from moments of joy with my family to complete lack of self control and raise my voice or attack a bush in my backyard. I don't really know where to let myself go from here. I'm just praying that the Lord's plan and purpose in all of this would continue forward with clarity.

I'm going to print lots of scripture to keep on hand when the grief overtakes me. Some of my favorites...


"Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord had heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer:" Psalm 6:2-4, 6-9

"When calamity comes, the wicked are brought down, but even in death the righteous seek refuge in God." Proverbs 14:32

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

"I don't want this pregnancy to be about me. I want it to highlight the beautiful maternal fire burning inside my best friend."

I've been a little emotional today. I can feel myself starting to kind of go inside myself as we get closer to round number 2. We have another ultrasound scheduled for this Wednesday, April 30 to see if my lining is where it should be for another transfer. So much is running through my mind when I think about all of the possibilities and I find myself getting scared and anxious. So today I've felt scared, anxious, and grateful all at the same time. Obviously, the scared and anxious emotions are easy for everyone to understand seeing as how we've been through this once before without a positive pregnancy test. The feeling of gratefulness though I think I need to write down.


Today I am feeling so very grateful that Lori has chosen me to be the one to take care of her baby for the first 9 months. It's an honor folks. A privilege and an overwhelming honor that she would allow me to do this for her. When I tell people about this journey the majority of the responses include "What a gift you are giving them." I understand what they mean and I don't want to minimize at all the part that I am playing in all of this but from my side of things it feels a bit different. Yes, I am definitely giving her something wonderful but womb rental isn't really that glamorous. No, she has given me something so much greater. She has given me her trust. She has seen a lot of heartache and struggles and yet she has come through all of it with hope and excitement at where her life is still going. She's the one with the real gift to give. A story that I pray she will be able to share someday.


This, sweet baby. This is the reason I am doing this. This who I am doing this for. Your mother...

Lining Drama Part 2

Lori and I had our first lining check appointment today for our second IVF transfer. We were hoping for a read of 10 but received a measurement of 6.8. This is not bad news just news that we need to wait a little longer. The good news though is that when I was taking Estradiol orally last time around I had been on it over 8 weeks and was still only getting a read of 6.5-7.5. This time I have been on the injections for three weeks and had a measurement of 6.8! Things are progressing much faster this time around! Now we wait for a call from Dr. Aimee to see what we should do next. We will definitely be waiting until at least May for the next transfer.

The inside of my uterus!! [P.S. No baby yet :)]

Round 2

On March 20, 2014 Lori and I went in for our first beta test to determine whether or not she was going to be expecting a baby in December. We found out that afternoon that we were not expecting. What followed for me over the next few days was a crazy amount of grieving. I cried a lot. Mostly in the privacy of my bathroom where my two children and husband couldn't see. My husband was amazing and allowed me to go through the grief cycle in private but made sure to frequently touch base over those couple of days with lots of hugs and rest. Lori and I really didn't feel like talking with each other or really anybody that weekend. We sent a few texts back and forth just trying to coordinate a time for a good conversation but that conversation didn't happen until Sunday. Both of us were just so emotionally exhausted that Sunday was really the first day either of us could process what to do next.

Saturday night, March 22, Lori had sent me a text but I didn't receive it until the following morning after church due to my chronically dead phone. Here's how the conversation for round #2 started....

Immediately my phone rang :) (Quick note, my husband really is that awesome!!!!) Lori and I talked about if we were really sure we didn't want compensation for the pregnancy and I said absolutely yes. If that's all it took for them to try again then the money wasn't worth it. IVF is soooo expensive. Most people who choose to go this route to build a family have the money to pay for it. We're talking $20,000+ to do IVF and that doesn't include if you need to use a surrogate or if you attempt a transfer more then once. And for all of us this decision was made fairly quickly so there were not years, or even months to save up for it. The way things have played out with the egg donor and my personal calendar has caused things to move extremely fast. So every little bit we can all save to make this cheaper is huge. This is definitely a team effort :)

She said she would need to verify with Josh but that if we were really sure we wanted to offer this for free then they could come up with the money it would take to pay all of the travel expenses and fees associated with thawing and transferring the embryo. All of this was decided and confirmed by Sunday evening. The doctor was emailed that next morning and within just a couple of hours I started to bleed. 

Even though I was so extremely excited to try this again the bleeding got two me. This was my body's final rejection of the two precious babies we had transferred just a couple of weeks earlier. It's such a strange thing going through all of this. I have pictures of the two babies that we transferred and although they didn't have little faces yet or anything to resemble an infant I still see them in my mind and tear up when I think of them. 

As soon as I started bleeding we knew we needed to act fast to get me the medication needed for round two. By Tuesday afternoon I had the meds in hand. This time we have decided to go the delestrogen injection route. My body did not respond as well as we wanted to the Estradiol tablets so now I'm taking Estradiol Valerate Injection through my lower hip every three nights. I've heard horror stories from other women who have gone through the shots. They can be painful and cause knots under your skin because the medication is injected with oil. So far I've had zero side effects aside from a little soreness just after receiving a shot. The injections are intramuscular so they feel like a flu shot. Same kind of muscle ache too afterward. Paul bought me a heating pad though and I really believe that's what has helped me not have any pain afterward. The heat from the heating pad helps the oil melt into my muscle and not stay in one place. I've been so blessed that I have not needed to give myself an injection. I have a friend who is a pharmacist so she has given me several, a cousin who is a paramedic so she has done one, my hubby Paul has done one, and Lori has rescued me a couple of times and given me two. Also, shout out to all of the women who have been so encouraging through this process. Each of them have also gone through the shots and have been my emotional sisters through all of this. You know who you are :)

The pink needle on the right is for drawing up the medication. The grey needle on the left is for the actual injection.

The needle we stick in my tushy is almost the length of my pinky finger. The needle is 1 1/2" long but is only inserted 1". (Pharmacy accidentally sent me the wrong length)

 Paul's cousin Lindsay (the paramedic) giving an injection at her birthday party.

Lori came over late last night so poor Paul didn't have to do it. That look of excitement on her face was really more a look of "I'm so sorry so I'm going to smile through it to help ease the pain!"

My first appointment to check my lining is scheduled for this Wednesday, April 16 at 9:00 am. Prayers would be greatly appreciated! We are hoping for a nice thick squishy uterus. To best optimize the chances of implantation, studies have shown that the endometrial thickness should be 6 mm or more. Best implantation rates in in vitro fertilization have been shown to be with lining thickness of 10 mm or more but there are many studies to show that implantation can occur with endometrial thickness as low as 5mm - just not as easily. The week prior to our transfer my lining was at 8 mm. We are assuming it was 9 mm at transfer but do not know for sure. We would really like a 10 mm read this week!!! I've been taking all of the shots regularly and am drinking two cups of organic raspberry leaf tea which some of my surro friends swear by. 

Eeeek....Going Public...

J & L went public today with our surrogacy journey. When they first told me they wanted to I was totally for it. And still am. But I've got to say that I feel way more pressure now. Now the whole world (or at least our little corner) is rooting for us and hoping that a beautiful baby will be born shortly. I know by following all of Dr. A's directions the odds are very much in our favor but I sure can't help but wondering if I'm doing everything I possibly can to make this happen as well. Every time I go for a brownie or don't drink enough water I wonder if that will make a difference. Every cup of coffee and squirt of the hairspray bottle makes me wonder if I'm dirtying my uterus. Oi vei I could question things all day long....